halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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