Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
