So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
