Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize