woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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