My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
