I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize