Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
