my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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