After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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