saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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