My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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