sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
