do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
