The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
