this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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