i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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