I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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