Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
