her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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