You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
