I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
