you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
