A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
