I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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