he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
