i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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