I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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