Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
high people should be assigned attendants
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
