Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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