I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
