Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
