i think i have two assholes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
