There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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