Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
