Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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