i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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