Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
