I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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