All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
