drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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