Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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