Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
