8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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