Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
