Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
