I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
