im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
