we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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