gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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