I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
