Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
