totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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