How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
