My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
