In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
