Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
