Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Im part way to drunk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
