This is not my ceiling
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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