Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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