I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
