the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
