i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
