Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
